The flame of every relationship usually ignites strongly and burns with the fire red. The lovers make a lot of phone calls, visits, they buy a lot gifts, give a lot of kisses…etc. However as years, months and even days pass the fire that once glowed red turns blue. The calls, visits, gifts, etc. reduce drastically, and in the case of married couples, the man unlike before, starts coming home late, the calling of each other by pet names stops, even lovemaking reduces or stops. At this stage, you stop to ask yourself, “am I with the right partner?” The answer to this question often, is the root of broken relationships and divorces.
In my own opinion, the problem with love affairs starts with the definition of “love”. Love, according to the Advanced Learners Dictionary, is ‘a strong feeling of deep affection for somebody or something’. The part of this definition I have problem with is the “feeling” part. True, love is a feeling. A very strong one, the fire starts, glows, and burns hot as hell. Unfortunately, at one time or another, a strong wind blows against this fire threatening to kill it or sometimes blows it off.
You all will agree with me that a feeling is not something permanent. Your feelings are bound to change. According to Rhonda Byrne in her book, “The Secret”, the way you feel is determined by the frequency at which your mind is operating. Sometimes you feel bad, other times you feel good. This same way, if loved is viewed as a feeling for someone, your feeling for that person is bound to change or it is possible for you to develop a stronger feeling for another. What happens when the flame of your love is threatened by the wind? What happens when the fire goes out?
Like someone once said, “God/Fate determines who comes into you your life, but YOU determine who stays in your life”. Whether your relationship/marriage works out is determined by YOU. You have to see love beyond something you feel, and take it as a DUTY. By taking love as a duty, according to the Law of Attraction, you are indirectly telling the universe what you want and creating that life for yourself.
Taking love as a duty here entails bringing back those moments, when the fire was still very red and hot; the movies, gifts, the nice remarks, etc.
It was because all these moments stopped that starved the love in the first place. Yes, you’ll not feel like doing these, but this is why it is called a duty and it goes a very long way in bringing the feelings back.
Another duty here is gratitude. Showing gratitude for the good attributes your partner possesses attracts more of those attributes and re-ignites the love. In doing this, take a sheet of paper, and make a list of all the good attributes your partner possesses. Take this list every morning and show gratitude for each and every item on the list. By the time you do this over and over again, you’ll realize and remember those things that made you love your partner initially and then you realize you are falling in love again.
I learnt in one of Tyler Perry’s movies that, usually, the good you get in your partner is about 80% but that in any other person outside is about 20%, however, naturally we thirst for what we don’t have and fail to appreciate that, which we have. So most times, we let go of our 80% for the 20% outside, which we end up regretting. It’s amazing how far gratitude and appreciation goes in bringing the best out of people, due to the fact that we all crave for appreciation. This goes a long way in re-kindling the fire of your love.
Forgiveness is also a duty which goes a long way in re-kindling the flame of your love, or prevents it from going out. No matter how bad your partner has wronged you, you should see it as a duty to forgive him/her. There’s no way the flame of your love can keep burning or get rekindled if you fail to let go of grudges you hold against each other. Your partner loves you more if he/she realizes that even after all the wrongs, you still found a place in your heart to forgive.
All the little details matter; physical contact (especially in public, it shows that you are proud of your partner) the good moments you never forgot (though not spectacular) the noted dates (not necessarily notable), attention paid to them, a listening hear (even when you are tired and your partner talks to much), a helping hand, good relationship with friends and members of family (even those you don’t really like), tolerance (you just have to take a lot of shit), self development/empowerment, etc.
